Size Does Matter

They say it matters more when you’re in your twenties - that by the time you’re in your thirties you’ve moved past such shallow values. And maybe that’s true. But until I cross that irrevocable bridge towards certain demise, I insist on retaining my youthful perspective. Size does matter, so do cut, colour, and clarity.

I know that many men (and maybe even some deluded women) may feel threatened or offended by my statements. They might feel that such views are materialistic, superficial, and misguided. They might feel that only someone with a fragile ego would place so much value on a piece of pressurized coal. Perhaps they’re even right. I’m not here to argue that. I’m not here to argue with the sensibilities of the self identified morally superior. Rather, I’m writing here to make something clear. Let me simplify it: a proposer purchases a rock attached to a ring to give to a proposee as a symbol of their intent to marry. The appearance and monetary value of the ring (real or imagined) are meant to represent the value that said proposer places on said proposee. At the very least, that is how the ring is viewed by many curious women who coo and caw and then very subtly appraise its value. How gauche, I know. But we all do it, and those of you that don’t - good luck as your moral high horse races it’s way towards the finish line (aka heaven, aka the meek shall inherit the earth, blah, blah, blah).

Some might argue that the diamond in an engagement ring is a fairly recent phenomenon, spurned forward by the diamond companies in the 1940’s. Sapphires, emeralds, and rubies used to be quite common. My response is that if I were to have one of those stones, I would also require it to be quite large. A passionately red Asscher cut ruby would be quite lovely, with two smaller cut diamonds on either side in a red gold setting. Very art deco. Very moi. But I’m getting side tracked…

I was once an innocent waif, unaware of all of the complications that can come from choosing or being given an engagement ring. For those of you as yet uninitiated into this sordid world of commercialism and competition, I give these words of advice: if you want to keep the symbol of your partners love pure, where it on a clit ring.