Planet of the Apes

The nighttime growling has stopped but there's no one to share this exciting news with. And I suspect that no one would really understand. When I googled this problem I got a lot of hits. Of course none of them addressed the problem exactly. There were a lot of concerned pet owners who were assured that this was normal behaviour for their dog or cat.

When I posed the question to the limitless fountain of knowledge in cyberspace, I was referring to...

...myself.

I growl. Or I did, until very recently. In my sleep, of course.

The civilized merely snore, the troubled mumble, and I growl. When this interesting piece of somnabulistic peculiarity was revealed to me I began to theorize. My most promising theory was the post-Darwinian theory of de-evolution. I believe that during the day I was able to maintain the decorum and propriety required of a modern citizen but during the night my fantasies of confrontation, violence, and bloodshed reigned unbridled. My atavistic subconcsious was tapping into the universal behaviours encoded deep within my mitochondrial DNA.

I was becoming a monkey.

If scientists were informed of the 'problem' I was having I would most likely have been shot with a hypodermic full of sleeping potion and carted into a facility where they would perform tests on the newest missing link, "Aggie". They would marvel at my opposable thumbs, my locking knee joints and my love of Proust. They would be less impressed by my irritable bowels. But I get ahead of myself.

I began to reflect deeply and delved deep into my store of memories. I thought of that time I visited the Toronto Zoo, putting my curious face to the glass of an enclosure, and a previously benevolent gorilla leapt to its feet, storming the cell, banging violently at the glass as its distant relative enjoyed the freedom and pizza afforded by her ability to 'pass'.

I thought of how a baby monkey's pleading face could move me beyond words while a human baby inspired feelings of only revulsion.

The connections were revealing, though anecdotal. If my theory were correct, I had quite a problem on my hands. If I revealed my concerns to a medical professional I was placing myself at risk of involuntary incarceration. If not, total annihiliation of the charming personality those around the world had come to love! What a conundrum!

I decided not to be to rash, yet to take matters into my own hands I invested in a nighttime sedative. So far the growling has subsided but God only knows what mental and physical deterioration the future holds....